Law & Order
Alphabetical Episode Guide
(with Memorable Quotes)


"The first half is a murder mystery. The second half is a moral mystery"
- Dick Wolf, series creator

Last modified: 09-30-04
Last episode added: Gov Love, 15-333

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This file contains an alphabetical listing of all Law & Order episode titles, followed by the season-episode number and memorable quotes contained within that episode. Note: This list includes the CBS pilot which was aired by NBC as episode 1-006. The challenge is to find the best quotes and ones that are also self-contained within themselves, i.e. words of "wisdom" we could all use if an appropriate scenario pops up or one that immediately defines the episode in your mind.


Abstentia, 13-290, "Everybody's got to be somewhere!" "...wild theories without a wisp of fact." "Don't you love innocent bystanders?" "Rikers is Rikers in any language." "Aww, I thought griffins could fly." "The lawyer's a lawyer anywhere in the world." "I've heard some whoppers on the stand, but this beggars the imagination."

Act of God, 5-105, "Some alibi - I'm not an arsonist, I'm an extortionist" "Today's topic: Do female hard hats lie?" "You told the whole world your wife was sharpening somebody else's pencil."

Access Nation, 12-268,

Admissions, 9-203, "Didn't want to mess up the library. Must be a book lover." "Sorry, we couldn't get the car up the stairs."

Aftershock, 6-134, "I thought the Constitution allowed for the separation of work and play."  "Never mess with a civil servant, my friend."

Agony, 9-186,

All in the Family, 15-332

All My Children, 11-249,

Ambitious, 9-202, "I've heard that one before: no hits, no runs, no errors." "Like they say, 'Genius always skips a generation.'" "If that's the future of the mob, we've got nothing to worry about."

Amends, 11-236,  "We're in it for the money." "We don't have much of a social life anyway."

American Dream, 4-074, "Does the corpse have a name? -- How about Uncle Fester?" "Let's give this one to Profaci and give him something to do besides the donut run." "If you swim with sharks, bring band-aids." "What's it take? A silver bullet?" "When you get an answer, give me a call at the retirement home." "Swann takes them to the cleaners and all they can say is thank you for the starch." "After they acquit him I'll offer him a job!" "First day of law school: 'Perjurers do not make good witnesses!' " "You've been out-lawyered by an amateur."

American Jihad, 13-278, "I guess I missed that day on 'Sesame Street.'"  "Ballistics -- my kind of science!"

Angel, 6-119, "Hey, I'm too young to get married and I'm a grandfather!" "Oh, wonderful -- I'm so glad they're finally done with OJ." "Whoever got a bad taco is pointing a finger." "Freud's out, the Devil's in."

Animal Instinct, 3-062, "We've got plenty of witnesses and with a hunk of cheese maybe they'll talk." "Don't waste your breath on my time."

Apocrypha, 4-073, "That kind of religion isn't the opiate of the masses; it's the crack cocaine."

Aria, 2-025, "I am not deciding on decibel level.'

Armed Forces, 12-255,

Asterisk, 13-285, "Damn litterbugs." "I thought you'd see Man One as manna from the heavens."

Asylum, 2-026, "Earth to number four, step back." "Maybe yes, maybe no, anything is pos-si-ble." "It's as if the court is saying you have the right to a wretched existence."

Atonement, 6-129, "She sounded so bad she must have been gorgeous." "Just be careful you don't have a killer who's more sympathetic than your victim." "Do you have a theory, McCoy, or are you just spraying Cheeze Whiz into the wind?" "I guess etchings don't work any more."

Attorney Client, 12-275, "One hour nap special. Sounds like one of my honeymoons."


Baby, It's You, 8-163, "By the time we present this case to a jury, the details will be clues in the Daily News Sunday Crossword." "Go find an accident or something." "They're afraid of a police department that's got more leaks than the Exxon-Valdez." "Defective Monk?"

Bad Faith, 5-108, "The color of the day is aquamarine." "Even golfers retire." "What have you been inhaling?" "It's too bad they don't glow in the dark." "I think that THAT was both barrels!"

Bad Girl, 8-178,

Bait, 9-184, "If I'm not out in an hour, call for backup."

Barter, 7-146, "Well, we hate to burst your red, white, and blue bubble...." "Goes to show nobody's good deed goes unpunished." "One man's do-gooder is another man's busy-body." "Screw your ad homonym!" "The only pattern here is you have no facts."

Benevolence, 3-066, "You can pile it up as high as you like, it won't change the smell." "If you want to play King of the Mountain, do it on your own time." "As soon as they get their violins in tune he'll get a jury to hum along." "What does the man have to do to prove his sincerity? Go to Africa like Albert Schweitzer?"

Big Bang, 4-082, "So he never stopped in to borrow a cup of protons?" "This guy can commit a murder, then jump in a time machine to cover his tracks."

Bitch, 13-292, "I've heard warmer mother-daughter conversations on the Nature Channel." "That's not science, that's a bumper sticker!" "Lillian tells me the last funny thing I said was 'I do.'"

Bitter Fruit, 6-112, "I've got ties older than him. And some shoes too, I think."

Black Tie, 4-071, "Profaci, don't ask, don't tell." "What you can't handle is my rank in a skirt!" "Everything ends up in the dust ruffle." "Not now, Popeye."

Black, White and Blue, 10-222,

Blaze, 14-306, "Noise, dope, and fire." "You got the club, you blew your noise, whatever." "I knew I should have stuck with the guitar." "My advice, get a new suit and enjoy." 

Blood, 8-164, "Why do you always give me bad news when I’m digesting?" "People who get in the way of my murder cases get run over."

Blood Is Thicker, 2-036, "Why don't we ask for the Russian army? They're not busy." "If he takes the deal I'll start buying lottery tickets." "I think we can rule out the cauliflower juice."

Blood Libel, 6-120, "Oh great, smelly socks. I can't wait." "These officers, a couple of Chatty Cathys!"

Blood Money, 10-213, "Rock, paper, scissors...GUN!" "He's in good hands now." "Ciao. That means goodbye."  "We still have two homicides, and one body to go around."

Blue Bamboo, 5-091, "Toni with an 'i' Curtis is Berniece Schwartz." "This defense! Like my grandmother's nightgown, it covers everything." "I liked him better when he had a heart attack." "OK, everyone who's innocent can leave the room." "What's her audition piece, '.22 Ways to Leave Your Lover'?"

Blue Wall, The, 1-022, "He's been decorated more times than my living room."

Bodies, 14-302,

Born Again, 12-269,

Born Bad, 4-075, "So long, Mrs. Chips." "It's easier to confuse a jury than it is to convince a judge." "If you want them to name churches after you then you are in the wrong profession."

Bounty, 14-303, "No such thing as hooker-client confidentiality." "Affirmative action made him do it."

Breeder, 4-079, "I've been through two births. I remember every push and squeeze. I'll tell you what -- passing out is the impossible dream." "Maybe not everyone's as enlightened as you are, Mike." "The kidnapper had a hall pass?"

Bronx Cheer, 11-245,

Brother's Keeper, 11-250, "Your friend doesn't appreciate the lubricating value of small talk, does he?" "If you can't trust a guy named Buddha, who can you trust?" "Hey, Buddha, don't you ever get bored sitting in the same spot day after day?" "You know, Buddha, I do get kind of a peaceful feeling being next to you. It must be your aura."

Brotherhood, 15-328,

Burden, 8-177

Burn Baby Burn, 11-235,

Burned, 8-166, "He's rich! He's powerful! Maybe we should get Robin Leach to try the case!" "Look on the good side, Stan, you're not wearing handcuffs!" "Don't you have crimes with actual bodies to investigate?"

By Hooker, By Crook, 1-007, "One odd thing--his underpants were on backwards." "I can see the future--you guys are going to read me my rights." "I think whoever is paying his bill ought to adopt me." "Roach coach is open! Let's get a cup of coffee." "Imagine! My husband paid $1,000 for four hours 'service.' That's about as much as I'm paying my divorce lawyer."


Can I Get a Witness, 14-317,

Carrier, 8-174, "And I'm an old fuddy-duddy?"

Castoff, 8-170, "Always wear clean underwear. You never know when you'll be in an accident." "He's no clown. He's a ringmaster and you're his star." "Sex tales from A to Z -- everything you can't imagine."

Causa Mortis, 7-135,

Caviar Emptor, 14-324,

Censure, 4-080, "I cut my teeth on 45s and Fats Domino." "If you want to dance you can come back and dance at a trial." "Oh, Ben! Go to bed and get up again!"

Charm City, 6-124, "Land of the one night stands." "Now I remember why I left this dump." "We call a motion like this 'chutzpah' in the first degree." "We didn't make the system, we just try to survive in it." "If I ever need to make a semiconductor or do some electroplating, now I know where to start."

Cherished, 9-182, "No deals for anybody. Let's hang 'em all!" "When's the last time we had a coffee break?" Answer: "August '96." "He doesn't grasp that other people exist apart from his needs...sounds like half the people I know." "Want a lawyer, counselor?"

Chosen, 13-288,

City Hall, 14-315,

C.O.D., 14-325,

Collar, The, 12-264,

Collision, 10-216, "My client may be legally sane but that doesn't mean he's not crazy." "Concerned citizens. Must be new in town."

Coma, 5-090, "Lucky for this guy the audience isn't armed." "This is a marriage, not a Barney the Dinosaur song." "I know I'm an s.o.b., I like being an s.o.b., the hours are good and there's no heavy lifting."

Coming Down Hard, 15-329,

Compassion, 14-310,

Competence, 5-094, "Someone should remind him that we're public servants, not public enemies."

Confession, 2-023, "Drop the histrionics, just give me the law!"

Conduct Unbecoming, 3-061, "Praise the Lord and pass the martinis." "They can tie their own shoe laces, sir." "Rule number one: don't kiss and tell."

Conspiracy, 3-046, "Unfortunately, his politics matured from rocks to bullets." "They only became criminals after they got their Wall Street haircuts." "One small step for privacy, a giant leap for conspiracy." "Political assassination as a crime of're going to make a lot of conspiracy buffs unhappy." "That's the beauty of a conspiracy: they all blame it on the CIA." "I'm all for civil liberties. I'm also for keeping the defendant around to enjoy them." "Maybe he was acquitted because he was innocent!"

Consultation, 3-054, "If rich people do it it's a cry for help. If we do it it's a social disease." "All-weather radials. Imelda Marcos never owned a pair of these." "Maybe you ought to order dinner for one!" "It's the Supreme Court of the State of New York, not Romper Room." "If lying was an Olympic sport, Jesse Owens would be long forgotten." "He'll sell us a watch before he gives us the time of day." "The coffee's on the house. If you want cream and sugar, get a warrant." "Swinging a mop: another lost art in America." "No offense, but I don't have time to play Monty Hall with you guys." "You have an accomplice - that'll get you into the theater, but won't let you see the show." "How about skipping the dance and cut right to the song?" "This is a conspiracy to smuggle drugs. You can't expect a bus full of nuns."

Corporate Veil, The, 3-048, "A corporation that's not being sued? There goes my faith in America!" "Man's creativity expands proportionately to his greed." "If I had a cover like that, I'd never catch cold!"

Corpus Dilecti, 6-122, "Time to haul out the signal flags, matey!" "With today's juries you better be able to prove she wasn't abducted by aliens." "Sorry, Jack, my transportation beam was down!"

Corruption, 7-139,

Couples, 13-300, (Note: NBC calls Smoke the 300th episode, but they are not counting the CBS pilot which was shown by NBC as episode 1-006 ) "Why run if you can walk to it?" "If it wasn't for Nelson's bladder, she could have been here 'till Arbor Day."

Cradle to Grave, 2-040, "Love makes the world go round. It also makes plea bargains difficult."

Cruel and Unusual, 5-107, "The later it gets, the better they look." "This is America. I'd sue the bastard."

Custody, 6-125, "Put them back in your pants, gentlemen. There's enough work for everybody." "Looks like blunt force brain surgery."

Cut, 15-331,


Damaged, 8-179, "Keep on lying, you'll be somebody's girlfriend at Attica." "You're going to be doing your squatting and thrusting at Rikers." "You know, the way to a woman's heart is through her ear." "Briscoe says the adults are so enlightened they make his teeth hurt." "[Judge Wright] hasn't had a thought since the Carter Administration. Doesn't have to. He's a judge." "I'm going ahead with this. Minimum mercy. Maximum sentence."

Darwinian, 14-312,

Dazzled, 12-273, "A little 'daz' will do ya, huh, Doc?" "If anybody's going to bring out the mean in him, it'd be his ex." "If you don't answer a few questions now, the only thing you'll be behind is bars."

Dead Wives Club, The, 15-327,

Deadbeat, 7-141, "You've been at this too long, honey. He's dead." "The suspect has the right to a lawyer -- not to a good one." "I think I win the chocolate bunny!"

Death in the Family, A, 1-013, "If we let him walk we'll be deboned, butterflied, and flambed." "Maybe we should trade seats. I hear yours is getting hot lately." "Brutus had more guns than he had shoes. And, honey, he had shoes." "So he just pushed that slug into Cruz with his thumb?"

Deceit, 6-128, "I read where sharks have feelings. Now I know better." "It's a classic case of he said, he said."

Deep Vote, 11-253, "Gucci -- Guns don't kill people. Handbags do."  "Is this the part where I slip up and confess?" "Other than egg on my face, what am I left with?"

Denial, 8-159, "She's cleared for takeoff." Book title at book reading: "One Hand Typing"

D-Girl, 7-149, (see Judgment in L.A.trilogy)  

Disappeared, 8-175, "Too crazy to say he's crazy?" "I'm just here for the tortellini."

Disciple, 9-196, "Who's her alibi witness, the pope?"

Discord, 4-069, "Great lyrics - early Cole Porter." "Oh, no, not the 'lawyers.'" "I'm 'scared' -- are you scared, Mike?" "I'm shakin' in my blue suede shoes." "I'm sure you know exactly where he kissed me--and exactly what of mine you can kiss." "Julie said this is a bad case of life imitating art."

Dissonance, 11-232, "If you step over the line just once in court, I'll take you down, and you'll never get up again."

Divorce, 8-173, "No good deed goes unpunished." "Divorce lawyers -- God's way of telling you to stay single."

DNR, 10-208,

Double Blind, 7-140, "Call the CIA and ask them if they've inventoried their bullets lately." "Very neat and clean. The shooter Martha Stewart would've loved."

Double Down, 7-153, "He's sucking on a lollipop, waiting for his lawyer." "I gotta go to law school, learn how to turn gold into lead." "We whiffed. He reeked." "Wait! What if he WAS in rigor, and now he's coming out of it?" "Did someone put iron in your Cheerios this morning?" "For a detective, yes [it's logical]. For a prosecutor, I don't know. In my experience, they aren't too bright." "He does hard time in a maximum security prison until hell freezes over. How's that for a deal?" "At least you got to dodge the question by calling me an idiot."

Doubles, 4-087, "A 'guy with a stick.' That narrows it down!" "Bring your own donuts." "We could Krazy Glue his feet to the floor and it still wouldn't hold him." "Someone should tell her revenge is one of the four major food groups." (also, watch for the falling patio tree...)

DR  1-102, 12-266,

DWB, 9-183, "I'll eat, you graze!" "Lo-cal? I burn it, not store it."


Ego, 11-246, "No German nationals reported missing in New York state. Now in Argentina, it's a different story." "It'll take us 'til Oktoberfest to run through them all." "He's the most convincing witness since Kato Kalen!"

Embedded, 14-309, 

Empire, 9-201, (Note: NBC calls this the 200th episode, but they are not counting the CBS pilot which was shown by NBC as episode 1-006 ) "Life insurance policy. Time honored motive." "It's root-root-root for the home team."

Encore, 6-126, "Romeo, thy name is Dobson!" "So now Dobson's a poster boy for when bad things happen to bad people." "You want me to carry you, or do you want to carry me?" "Carbon steel. Stainless steel. All these years I've been using the wrong knife to carve the turkey." "He's crazy about the kids, it's just the wives he has a problem with." "Why Rey, you never dance with me." "Mexico. Go to Texas, turn left." "If either of them ever saw a divorce lawyer, it was the invisible one."

Endurance, 11-230,

Entitled (2), 10-219, "I don't want to eat another bucket of brownies!" "It's the catastrophes that keep you going."

Entrapment, 7-143, "I didn't do it, but if I did she made me?...It's a brilliant strategy." "You want subtle? Get out of here!" "I couldn't commit the crime because I was busy committing another crime? That works."

Equal Rights, 12-271, "I hate repeat offenders."

Everybody's Favorite Bagman, 1-006, "That really frosts my cookies, Max." "What am I? Carnac?" "The pooch moves, you're history." "I'm not certain, I'm positive!"

Everybody Loves Raimado's, 14-321,

Exiled: A Law & Order Movie, 9-186A, (added to episode list to reflect placement and departure of Profaci from the show)

Expert, 8-169, "I'm convinced [he's insane]. He purposely messed up a vintage automobile." "Relax. We're not the pretzel police." "The only thing missing is the doll with the pins in it."

Extended Family, 3-055, "Broadway producer...he's got more Tonys than southern Italy." "We've got a Chinese menu here." "As far as he's concerned, I'm a show that closed on opening night." "The grand jury doesn't indict by Gallop poll."


Faccia a Faccia, 8-172, "The only rugs he moves have bodies rolled up in them." "Thank god for the Kennedys, otherwise a lot of bad authors would be waiting tables." "The job 'concierge' takes on a whole new meaning in Attica." "A bar with a name, you know, that's a good idea!" "He was convicted on Murder One. First he'll serve life, then we'll talk."

Family Business, 7-142, "Money makes the world go round." "What do you say, Lennie? Thank God they're stupid?" "I am her spiritual and philosophical explorationguide. And I...feed the dogs."

Family Values, 5-092, "Look, Martell's told more fibs than my 8 year-old!" "Be happy, you get the rest of the day off!" "Don't invite me to your disbarrment party." "He didn't just come along, he was invited in."

Fertile Fields, The, 2-041, "I've had month-old flounder that smelled better." "Do you get the feeling we're scrambling to catch a train here?" "If you get a bad lie you don't pick up the ball and walk off the course." "Looks like, feels like, sounds like...a warehouse full of felonies."

Fire This Time, The, 12-261,

Flight, 9-185,

Floater, 14-308, "Infidelity is the world's worst hangover." "You're treading treacherously close to the textbook definition of 'hutzpah'" "Sounds like forensics is your Achilles' heel. Follow your nose!" CUPPI (rhymes with "puppie") = Case Undetermined Pending Police Investigation

Fools for Love, 10-220,

Forgiveness, 3-047, "Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition."

For Love or Money, 12-256, "The dialysis defence. That's a new one." "A perfectly good suspect. I hate when that happens." "Careful, don't want to hurt that hat." "Like I've already said, parking in this town'll kill ya."

Formerly Famous, 12-259, "Every Friday for ten years? Is there some special dish I should know about?"

Foul Play, 12-274, "You can't subpoena a conversation." "Information is currency." "If you hit it, they will come...." "You know defense attorneys, they like to claim they've been fouled every chance they get."


Gaijin, 14-323,

Genius, 13-295, "I met the muse last night and she looked an awful lot like a bottle of tequila." "My 'muse' dumped me in the gutter about six years ago." "Give it a whiff -- that's not my aftershave."

Girl Most Likely, 12-270,

Girlfriends, 6-131, "She lied to mom and dad? Call Ripley!" "I don't like to make love to my pizza pies."

Golden Years, 4-077, "I'm a sweetheart, and I'm middle-aged."

Good Girl, 7-137,

God Bless the Child, 2-027, "I think the possibility of conviction is on life support." "In court, it don't mean diddly-squat!"

Gov Love, 15-333, 

Grief, 8-171, "Two snakes eating each other's tail. Pry one of them loose!"

Guardian, 5-099, "I'll pass your sentiments on up the food chain." "He stepped in it up to his shorts, sure he left footprints." "Even Mr. Magoo can see through this." "Don't jump the canyon on your motorcycle." "Nothing is inevitable except your client's occupancy in a state correctional facility."

Gunplay, 15-330,

Gunshow, 10-206, "He's set the bar higher than you can jump on a pogo stick."


Hands Free, 14-318,

Happily Ever After, 1-005, "That's not a proposal, that's an insult." "True love...they'll sell each other for a nickel." "She's either evil or she's two years old: she wants what she wants when she wants it."

Harm, 9-197, "Doctors! I can't believe my mother wanted me to marry one!"

Harvest, 8-161, "Yeah, it's from your family estate." "What are you complaining about? We're the ones who have to smell ya." "I would kill to be second chair in a murder trial." "Now I'm getting another tingling sensation in my butt. Why is that?"

Hate, 9-191, "Can't we skip the formalities and just shoot him?" "I hope you can pull this one out of the crapper!"

Haven, 9-193, "This thing's a hand grenade with the pin pulled."

Heaven, 2-032, "Quote - No comment - Unquote. At least that will save a few trees." "What is worse than back to square one? Minus zippo negative bupkis."

Helpless, 3-050, "Nobody trains you to be a victim." "Maybe I can squeeze an apple and get orange juice." "In a perfect world I'd like to see your client locked in a room for a week with these women." "I've had teeth pulled easier." "This guy has more blue ribbons than Betty Crocker."

High & Low, 10-227,

His Hour Upon the Stage, 2-033, "I wouldn't trust either of them with my laundry." "Oh, great! Absence of trust! That'll get you an arrest." "This woman uses people like Kleenex." "He produced more dogs than a mongrel in heat." "Either you're very subtle, or I'm very paranoid." "You couldn't please this court if you danced an Irish jig on your fingertips." "I'll find the old standbys: ambition and greed." "What is this? A trial by popularity poll?" "The Fochelli family disposes of more bodies than fettucine." "You break it, you pay for it."

Hitman, 13-283, "That's a refreshing change... a wife who doesn't want her ex-husband dead." "Racketeering in the building trades? I'm shocked!" "Fighting an insurance company. Now that's suicide."

Homesick, 6-133, "Uh-oh. This wouldn't be good news." "Just because he's a kid doesn't mean he has to be handled with kid gloves." "You know, we're all full of crap."

Hot Pursuit, 6-116, "When you retire you might consider a career as an egg timer." "Is this where you think I'm gonna go 'boo hoo'?"

House Calls, 13-298,  "You know what? I've heard about this, but I never thought it could happen... she shopped till she dropped." "[He was busy] doing what? Eating borsht?" "That's all hunkey-dorey, except the patient's dead." "Gee, doc. I get this funny feeling I've done this before. Oh, that's right, I have!" "Call me crazy, but if I paid a doctor over $200,000 in 12 months, I'd expect 2 new kidneys, minimum."

House Counsel, 5-098, "You're a regular David Niven." "Three gray suits--a wild and crazy guy!" "You're assuming somebody up in Albany actually thinks for a living."

Hubris, 11-238,  The security tapes are missing... "Now what am I going to watch tonight?" 

Humiliation, 6-118, "We've got a warrant to search, not eat." "In this business any meal's pot luck." "I'm as clean as a baby's butt." "It's not exactly La Traviata out there." "Now people know more about his love life than they do about the war in Bosnia." "It's a sofa, honey, it ain't contagious."

Hunters, 9-194, "You'd think somebody gutted a pig in there." "Stories for everybody. Reminds me of me when I was drinking." "We're members of a mutual admiration society." "Cooperation, it's the grease that makes the world go 'round." "So you can have a financial interest in keeping the crime rate up? That makes sense for a cop." "There's the guy who died three years before you sold him two .38's and a Magnum. He's the best armed corpse in Greenpoint cemetery."


I.D., 7-136, "She *looks* like someone you might've *talked* to on the phone?" "Make sure your airbags are working!"

Identity, 14-307, "I've seen less going on in an amusement park." "I guess the free toaster thing doesn't cut it anymore." "I guess it was the free lattes that attracted Mr. Hitchens." "Did we get off the subway in Switzerland?" "What fun would that be?" "He's been around longer than the sink in the men's bathroom."

Ill-conceived, 14-311,

Indifference, 1-009, "You saw this on Oprah, or what?" "Thank God, it's on the ground floor."

Intolerance, 2-042, "Bullets don't recognize your IQ." "No matter how much you make, how are you going to spend it in Attica?" "You're cops. Now, if you were the IRS, I might tell her." "The court of appeals changes their minds more often than I change my socks."

In Memory Of, 2-029, "Forget a stretch - that's a leap across the Grand Canyon!" "The didn't fly out the window with Tinkerbell and Peter Pan." "70. The last time we did one that old he was a Nazi with the INS." "It's all very interesting, and useless at trial."


Jeopardy, 6-115, "Remind me to borrow this next time I can't sleep." "Better make that Generation-X'd-Out." "New packaging, same bad taste." "You climbed Everest in your shorts on a very cold day."

Judge Dread, 11-252, "Hey, this isn't Yankee Stadium. Hat's off!" "I'm not a cynic. I get up every morning hoping to find an innocent man." "The hitman who makes housecalls."

Judgment in L.A.: D-girl, 7-149, "This isn't the Planet of the Barbie Dolls, doc." "Great - send in the kooks." "I got you a date with a good looking woman. I'm a real s.o.b." "It ain't the Ritz, but it's home."

Judgment in L.A.: Showtime, 7-151, "You better bring something besides your boyish charm." "When are you going to buy a new tie?" "You know, the property clerk's been dying to get this back. I think he makes his sandwiches with it."

Judgment in L.A.: Turnaround, 7-150, "They don't take steroids to build brains." "You've got this judge, thinks Smoking Gun is an Indian chief." "The maid comes by every other day to change the flowers and restock the fish with fresh mango juice." "You could jumpstart the '60s with what's in here."

Jurisdiction, 3-060, "After I traded in the Chivas bottle for Grecian Formula I became a saint!" "Unless you want a real fight on your hands, stay out of camera range." "You can leave him a trail of breadcrumbs." "It doesn't take a college degree to sit in your chair, sir." "You're under arrest because you're probably guilty."

Justice, 10-210, "The guy's a lawyer." "I'll be in mourning for the next five minutes."

Juvenile, 9-199,


Kid Pro Quo, 13-297, "Hell hath no fury like a mother scorned." "In my experience, 'integrity' is usually an euphemism for 'money.' "

Kids, 4-081, "I love cases where a homicidal gun dealer is our only witness." "If she gets overturned any more she'll be walking upside down."

Killerz, 10-207,

Kiss the Girls and Make them Die, 1-004, "Excuse ME, Mr. Casanova." "I'm hot-wired, I'm gonna live forever!" "Off-track betting doesn't make arrests." "Don't argue in front of bartenders - they listen." "What do you want me to tell you? Hamburger isn't filet mignon?" "I want a check on him from here to Hawaii." "Justice doesn't give you grandchildren."


Legacy, 7-144, "If you want to search me, don't tickle."

Life Choices, 1-012, "On my salary I can't even afford the insurance." "If you want to put your finger in my eye, clean your nail first." "Throwing a bomb is a little non-verbal to qualify for free speech." "An hour ago I didn't know. Now it's even money." "This case is being tried on the temporal plane." "If the law hadn't changed I'd be a slave. You can't turn back the clock."

Loco Parentis, 10-215, "Bombs away!" "Bad parenting in the first degree?"

Losing Season, A, 11-243,


Mad Dog, 7-152, "There are only three ways that is going to happen, Mr. Darnell. You can kill me, kill yourself, or go back to prison." "I won't let you drag the law through the sewer to catch a rat."

Manhood, 3-065, "Maybe the second coming is tomorrow." "A leprechaun brought it to me." "Next time I want advice I'll write Dear Abby."

Marathon, 10-211,

Maritime, 13-295,

Married With Children, 14-314,

Matrimony, 7-147, "And you think a Chippendale piece is a male stripper?" "Oh, phoo!" "Oh, girl, you're as dumb as a sack of hair."

Mayhem, 4-083, "Put it on a leash, walk it to the hospital." "I spent a year there one weekend." "Don't worry, we'll water him once a day." "Drop the burrito, Senor." "Life is a Cabernet."

Mega, 10-223,

Menace, 7-145, "No job, no boyfriend - I'd be singing duets with Billie Holliday." "Who has evidence of this conspiracy? Mac the Knife?"

Merger, 10-209, "You're suggesting she killed her sister but a few months of rest and a high fiber diet will make it all better."

Misconception, 2-028, "Well, my daughter swears there's a tooth fairy, but that doesn't make it so." "He's going to walk into the courtroom with a suitcase full of respect." "The law's supposed to be a shield, not a sword." "And the city is known for its mental health?" "Wrong should not win by technicalities."

Missing, 12-267, "My idea of 'fusion' is hamburger meets french fries!"

Monster, 8-181,

Mother Love, 3-059, "Do I look like a magician? I'll just pull his name out of my ear?" "The only 'Dawn' I know is before sunrise." "Ipso, ergo, and therefore...." "You can shake her like a martini, she won't change her mind." "We've got a two-choice world: one or the other."

Mother's Day, 13-287, "Call Hallmark, maybe they'll make up a special card." "You got into this hole. I guess it's up to you if you want to keep digging."

Mother's Milk, 10-217,

Mushrooms, 1-017, "You guys are so trigger happy, why don't you join the army?"

Myth of Fingerprints, 12-260, *BANG* "That would have been the TV imploding on Foley's skull." "Unfortunately there's not 'heavy-set white guy' listed in the phone book." "Another successful probationer." "If only all our witnesses were choir boys." "Seven out of 20. That's almost a third."


Narcosis, 10-226, "Baby Doobie Doo Diaper Service." "You might as well say Playboy did it."

Navy Blues, 8-160, "She really killed him. She really lied." "You're going to have to go down to 'Ooops, sorry, we're dropping the charges.' " "It's a classic he said she said, but she made sure he wasn't around for the he said."

Night and Fog, 3-057, "Too old to live, but too scared to die." "The guy writes with an erasure?" "Coincidences add up to probability." "We're not in the evil business, we're in the crime business."

Nowhere Man, 14-320,

Nullification, 8-162, "004? What are you? James Bond minus three?" "All this armor and he forgot the bullet proof ski mask." "Enough guns to take over Staten Island. Take a picture and send it to Charlton Heston." "Without the law, there can be no freedom. And without justice, there can be no law."

Nurture, 4-086, "Do you want that fruitcake on the street?"


Old Friends, 4-088, "The system's only as strong as its weakest member...and you're looking at him." "Give me your tired, your poor, your vicious...." "Russians, they make the Columbians look like the Von Trapp family." "He looks good in a thousand dollar suit, but he's still covered in dirt." "Everyone thinks they can dance with the devil and walk away. You can't."

Open Season, 13-284, "The electronic shell game, do you understand it?" "Be careful Jack. Looks like it's open season on lawyers."

Out of Control, 2-030, "Last time I looked, Utopia's a small town upstate."

Out of the Half-Light, 1-011, "Martin Luther King walked with the angels. You'd slide and crawl on your belly to get what you want."

Oxymoron, 12-276,


Panic, 10-218,

Paradigm, 15-326, "I can't believe I have pusillanimous pussyfooters on my own staff!"

Paranoia, 6-117, "Keep your pants on, amigo." "I've never met anyone yet who's been killed by a 20-inch Sony." "This is America, Claire. Everyone is entitled to ask for leniency before I send them on their way."

Passion, 7-155, "We come down on her, and we're wrong, we could be breaking up one snooty couple. It might actually disturb my sleep for minutes." "In case you haven't noticed, you've got an ego." "Uh... class dismissed!" "Why should he confess? You'll probably arrest someone else tomorrow."

Past Imperfect, 7-156, "So far, mooching from your mother seems to be genetic." "Profaci and the Forbes 400?" "What do you want first? The bad news or the worst news?"

Patient Zero, 14-304, "What precinct are you from? Sesame Street?" "All this time I thought the fourteenth amendment outlawed separate but equal car theft rings." "Hell hath no fury like an unrequited lab tap." "By the time she takes the stand, she'll be better prepped than Meryl Streep."

Patriot, 12-277,

Patsy, 10-212, "We're nominating him for 'Citizen of the Year.'" "Yeah, counselor. Why don't you click your heels three times and say, 'There's no place like home.'"

Payback, 14-313,

Performance, 5-102, "Great. If we knew who it was, we'd know who it was." "I'm more in the mood for a BLT."

Phobia, 11-242, "Girls don't give up on fairy tales just because they don't come true."

Point of View, 3-053, "What I was doing I don't wear a beeper." "Let's pretend we're on the same horse, all right?" "I love a tall man with a halo." "She was too busy keeping her nose in the air." "What are we running here? The '62 Mets?" "I believe in the Holy Ghost, but I'm in no hurry to meet him."  "That's snap, crackle, and no pop."

Poison Ivy, 1-008, "There but for the grace of God go I or any other cop."

Possession, 12-258, "Death by pinking shears?" "It's hard to find a good broker, isn't it?"

Precious, 5-095, "You could tell me they had Keanu Reeves naked down there and you'd never get me to sit ten hours on a dumb mule." "Munchausen, smunchausen."

Prejudice, 12-263, "He's on the other side, period." "Just one big happy company," "The kind of pictures we take are only from the neck up." "My partner here'll flag you a cab."

Prescription for Death, 1-001, "See what I mean? The guy's Chief of Medicine and all he can come up with is 'It's a lottery.'" "The patient died, but don't worry, the doctor is doing just fine." "If you hear hoof beats it's probably a horse and not a zebra. You, gentlemen, are on a zebra hunt." "It's possible that death rays from Mars killed her --  but I don't think so." "And when you're a lawyer, Dr. Auster, some of the people you prosecute are convicted." "Did somebody pass a law against drunk fishing?" "Adverse occurences. Nice phrase."

Pride, 5-111, "Yeah, he's so smart, he's dead." "Whaddaya think? Should I change ties?" "You've got to love these guys. They pretend to be friends so they can pretend to be enemies." "Either he needs a new campaign manager, or we need a new map." "Very touching, a hustler in love."

Pride and Joy, 4-072, "She'll dance on his grave before she'll tell us, and she'll jump IN before she'll tell us." "Somebody stop me before the train crashes!"

Prince of Darkness, 3-052, "They don't have one of those in my sandbox!" "My flag hasn't been raised in weeks." "So which con is our new best friend?" "I wouldn't know him if he sat in my lap." "Without fingerprints they can say he's Peter Pan!" "Do you ever feel sometimes that we're running in place?" "He came in from the kitchen, no, he came in from the back, no, he came down from heaven on a silver chariot!" "Five slugs. Mr. Ortega just took a mortgage on his nine lives." "I could trace a telephone pole easier." "In a month we'll nail him for the Kennedy assassination."

Prisoner of Love, 1-010, "Let me get this straight. You're asked out on a date by a guy who publishes pictures of people hanging upside down in chains, and you're tempted, but there's something about him you don't trust?" "There is no art without money." "You can get the grand jury to indict a ham sandwich." "Don't force me to testify, it will ruin my career. I'm perfect for young dad parts in commercials." "If this is art, what's Michaelangelo?" "All I have is the uncorroborated testimony of an accomplice. I think in Albania that'll get you a conviction."

Privileged, 5-106, "It's the weapon of choice at Thanksgiving." "Some nut-job forgets to wear his aluminum foil hat one morning, all of a sudden voices start telling him to ring doorbells and stab people." "And I suppose his prints on the headboard of the Lerner's bed got there teleconnectically." "Got no case? Come to us and we'll give you all the help you need."

Profile, 4-070, "The old lady keeps trying to make him look like Liberace." "What are you going to do? Get a lawyer in a white sheet?" "New York City. Don't like the neighborhood, wait ten minutes." (Note: a definite bad hair day for Logan as a homeless person)

Progeny, 5-100, "Oh, great. We'll organize a line-up of Xerox machines." "That's the problem with fanatics -- you get them in the right frame of mind, the next thing you know, they're chuggin' Kool-Aid." "We've got the only pro-life frankfurters on the West Side." "Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition." "You're getting lousy advice from both heaven and earth." "If Mr. McCoy is willing to offer you a deal, I suggest you take it."  "Don't you love it when everybody's happy?"

Promises to Keep, 3-058, "Detectives Einstein and Galileo, excuse me!" "First year guys are like puppies: you have to show them the stick, then throw it." "Love at last sight." "I put on the wrong cologne today?" "Kid's got more stories than the Arabian Nights."

Pro Se, 6-132, "I think I need whatever he's supposed to be taking." "What, his world and ours don't revolve around the same sun?" "Not in the same galaxy." "When he visits the planet, where does he stay?"

Punk, 9-189,

Purple Heart, 5-109, "These guys have shorter life spans than fruit flies."

Pursuit of Happiness, The, 4-076, "The meat business has an odor all its own and it's not always from the cow." "Who are you to smile down your nose?" "Life is beautiful, all God's children are innocent, let's talk bail!" "The perfect witness always has dirt under his nails." "Quick, lock the door! Somebody might walk in with a case we can win!" "I wouldn't count your chickens. Your omelet just hit the fan."


Rage, 5-101, "What psychic are you planning to call as your first witness?" "Weird. Guy's got more money than God, but lives worse than I do." "We took a crash course in bogus trading." "First you conned Wall Street, now you're trying to con Court Street." "I still don't like Greer, only now I have to feel guilty about it." "And it's you who's giving all the bigots in this country justification for their fear and hatred."

Ramparts, 9-192,

Rebels, 6-113, "You get the Yagi, and I'll get the donuts." "A Dear John letter just doesn't suffice any more." "I seem to have left my Berlitz dictionary in my other jacket, could you tell me what you were talking about?" "Well, you want to find out who a girl dated, you ask other girls. I think Curtis can handle this one." "You're gonna love the secret handshake." "At least she's not pretending to be Connie Chung." "You made hunting sluts sound like a capital crime."

Reaper's Helper, The, 1-003, "Hey, FAX you, okay?" "It only hurts when I prosecute, so keep me out of the courtroom until the swelling goes down." "Pity is one step away from ridicule."

Refuge (1), 9-204, "Guy looks like he had a difference of opinion with a sushi chef." "Every ear is different, like a snowflake... no wonder why Evander was so upset." "We're the Jacksons. He's Jermaine and I'm Tito." "Maybe all that shooting gave him carpal tunnel syndrome." "He's been here six years and he's working the system like a slot machine. I'm still trying to figure out alternate side of the street parking."

Refuge (2), 9-205, "You're the guy with a million excuses."

Remand, 6-121, "Half a century and I'm still talking to scum like you." "Insanity's the defense of last resort." "Even a pack rat like Nixon was short eighteen minutes." "You must have had a double bowl of Wheaties this morning." "You could have heard hair grow in that jury box."

Renunciation, 2-031, "A real cantaloupe...couldn't pick a winner in a one horse race." "Bring your crying towels, boys." "I don't see any harps or halos here." "Let's rock 'n roll, big daddy." "Plenty of time after the fat lady sings." "Chances are, when you slap the cuffs on him, he'll begin singing his own opera." "New York state still requires specificity. 'I hate your guts' isn't good enough."

Return, 11-234,

Right to Counsel, 3-056, "You thought she won these things from Ed McMahon?" "When you add it all up you get a basket of goose eggs." "It wasn't his blood that was blue, it was his collar."

Ring, The, 13-282, "There's no jeweler-client confidentiality, is there??" "You are SO single!" "The law should be stable, but never stand still." "They asked for cigarettes and ran off with cake." "Throw in some whiskey and you've got a three course meal!" "There wasn't much on 20-year-old skeletons with one arm." "[Don't indict] unless you come up with something more than a chunk of chocolate cake and an an epistle from cyberspace." 

Ritual, 8-167, "You make one heck of a meter-maid."


Sanctuary, 4-085, "I want us to be cleaner than Caesar's wife" "Do I get popcorn with this show?" "Go crazy, Profaci!" "Shambala Green, Queen of the Specious Motions." "That'll be ten Hail Marys, Mike." "Blame it on the Jews, sometimes you get an Italian by mistake." "You're friend there is homicidin' someone."

Savages, 6-114,

Savior, 6-127, "That guy pulls more strings than Jim Henson." "Peanut butter and potatoes -- two of the the three major food groups." "Not only was it coming down on him at work, it was also hailing bowling balls at home." "Unfortunately, stupid isn't against the law."

School Daze, 11-251, "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Student."

Scoundrel, 5-097, "If things were different, they wouldn't be the same." "My memory's dreadful, especially when I'm anxious about the future." "Heavens to Betsy, what a dreadful idea!"

Scrambled, 9-187,

Second Opinion, 5-089, "I wonder if he knows his wife is from another galaxy?" "Pesticides. Chemical warfare. Hell, maybe she's ET's first cousin!"

Secret Sharers, The, 1-018, "It's just like the Gospels - four guys telling the same story and they're all different." "Backup? I don't want to see him without nuclear weapons!" "Just like a roach motel - he checks in but he doesn't check out." "She'll milk them 'till they moo." "What are you dressed for? A rodeo?"

Securitate, 3-064, "Since when do we take the statement of a known felon as gospel?"

Seed, 5-103, "What are you going to do? Put a test tube on the stand?" "It may be Delbert is an s.o.b, but so far he's an anonymous s.o.b." "Arrogant? Arrogant is trying to start your own race of people." "The Grand Jury. 23 blind men following the Pied Piper out of Hamlet."

Seer, 13-296, "She was seepin' like a tea-bag all night in that rain." "I get it, Ed. He *sees* dead people... Oh wait, I *see* a cup of coffee." "So how'd Mr. Cleo do?"

Self Defense, 3-051, "The cleaning lady's already been here - I'm spic 'n' span." "Before it's over they'll make him King for the Day." "Lyndon Johnson tried governing by opinion polls. It didn't work."

Serpent's Tooth, The, 1-019, "He ain't heavy, he's my brother." "Any farther away, [neighbors] can't tell gunshots from belches." "What is this!? Siskel and Ebert!?"

Severance, 2-035, "Maybe Mr. Plowhorse was dunking his donut in someone else's coffee." "He's all fizz and no gin."

Shadow, 8-165, "Don't convince me, convince a judge!" "Adam Schiff must be getting senile."

Shangri-La, 13-279, "This girl has a bad case of the loyals...." "Hell hath no fury like a pissed off teenage girl!" "That's Italian hocus-pocus for a great big bag of bupkis." "Arguing in the alternative -- that's what makes law so much fun!" "Never get Freudian with a man with a pickle." "You can't put Little Orphan Annie in front of a jury and expect them to convict her." "Just once, I wish the bad boys would do business at a reasonable hour." "And, I know, there are witnesses just taking numbers waiting to tell us what happened." "That's the thing with dreams, Lennie. They tend to end when you lift your lids."

Sheltered, 13-299,

Shield, 9-198, "Careful you don't get carpet burns on your knuckles." "Because she didn't pass the McCoy 'Truth or Consequence' test?"

Shoah, 14-319,

Showtime, 7-151, (see Judgment in L.A.trilogy)

Shrunk, 14-305, "I'm guessing that's a good thing." "Dirt. Go figure." "One small stab for man, one giant slice for mankind?"

Sideshow, 9-195, "What makes a great detective is a great snitch."

Silence, 2-043, "Checkers and Oprah only eat up so much of it." "Every con has a sob story." "Even money who got the flowers on Valentine's." "Lawyers...slick and pushy??" "Nice. Is that how you get dates too?" "The editor's on a high horse called the first amendment." "You don't serve as long as he has without keeping your hamper closed."

Sisters of Mercy, 2-039, "Get out your sound bite, Ben."

Skin Deep, 3-045, "She presses your pants when she's done." "When did we turn this office over to the Marx Brothers?"

Slaughter, 12-272,

Slave, 6-130,

Smoke, 13-301, (Note: NBC calls this the 300th episode, but they are not counting the CBS pilot which was shown by NBC as episode 1-006 )

Snatched, 4-078, "Goes mostly for the Bohemian types: bags of bones with long hair." "Before him, the only white guy I've seen around here was Clinton, and he had the Secret Service with him." "Aruba - Guess who's missing the dinner flight?" "Oh, so that's what's got your Sunday school smile bent all out of shape." "I don't care if you have to juggle bowling balls, I want an indictment!"

Soldier of Fortune, 12-257, "Cuff him, and if he tries to resist, shoot him."

Sonata for Solo Organ, 1-021, "Talk about getting your pocket picked!" "What's the difference between a doctor and God? God doesn't think he's a doctor." "This is supposed to be a dialog. It sounds like a diatribe." "He's able to leap buildings in a single bound. So what?" "Love isn't blind, it's stupid." "The law should be stable, but never stand still." "Money can't buy everything...but it keeps a lot of lawyers busy." "What's it take to make you happy?" Stone's answer: "The Mets in the Series,
Peace on Earth, and Dr. Reberty in Dannemora."

Stalker, 8-175, "" "You probably already know you have the right to remain silent. Why don't you use it?" "So, all we have to do is find the invisible man and see if he has roof tar on his shoes." "[If bad taste was a crime], Louie here would be facing a life sentence." "Atleast she can't say I told you so." "How do you think the public will react when they find out they're giving their credit card numbers to criminals?" "What you've got are two cops making us look like morons!"

Standoff, 11-233, "Would a lawyer lie?" Response: "There's a first time for everything."

Star Crossed, 13-291, "You see, what I'm trying to figure out is how to put your pretty little butt in jail, so... I mean, you can hang out if you want." "Better known as Dean 'What are you offering?' Connors." "Dean's not a bad sort, he's just morally opposed to hard-work." "That's someway to measure your life, isn't it? Counting the amount of time murderers aren't in prison."

Star Struck, 2-034, "Whatever's on your plate, clean it - this comes first." "First we get some fetuccini, THEN we knock on doors." "But, Phil, we're not even pregnant yet!"

Stiff, 10-228, "A little jab will do ya." "Cases like this make me take a long hard look at my pension plan." "It's a suicide's an's a breath mint...this guy gives me a headache." "The idle rich and their idle hands!"

Subterranean Homeboy Blues, 1-002, "That's right, I forgot -- you guys in the D.A.'s office are a regular bunch of Carnaks." "'Trust' and 'lawyer,' that's a pair of words that don't match." "If she walks you've turned New York into Dodge City." "The cops catch them and I try to cook them." "It's not enough that you hang me; you make me give you the rope, too." "Can anyone around here stay on the same side of the street for one second?"

Suicide Box, 13-293,

Sunday in the Park with Jorge, 11-240,

Sundown, 10-214,

Surrender Dorothy, 10-224, "That's not recreational, that's correctional." "I thought you guys could indict a ham sandwich." "Without a statement I'm missing the ham." "This man put all the ingredients together. You can't let him walk away when the bomb goes off." "Another Friday night of fun in the city." "Better hope your waiter isn't a Yankees fan." "We believe in the truth...when we really hear it."

Survivor, 7-138, "Brother can you spare a Maximillian?" "Little cold pieces of metal turn me on too." "Next year you'll spend a million bucks on antique hula hoops." "He does two years at Club Fed." "What refugees are they taking deposits from now as they yodel their way to the bank?" "From now on we'll have to issue smooth lead pipes to the murderers." "I can't talk right now, I have to go to business school." "He'll plead to Unusual Storage in the first degree."

Sweeps, 4-067, "Are you listening to yourself? First Pop, then Mom, now Mason. It's an Oliver Stone movie!" "Let him wrap himself in the American flag, he's not Tom Brokaw." "Want a deal, take a number, you TOO can have movie rights." "Who appointed you St. Francis of Assisi? It must be thrilling to occupy such high moral ground." "I'm a Catholic. I can feel guilty about anything, but I bet my conscience is easier than yours."

Swept Away - A Very Special Episode, 11-244,

Switch, 5-110, "Now you're saying the father *didn't* do it. You ought to take this roller coaster to Coney Island." "This only happens on Oprah, right?" "My second wife always wanted a walk-in closet, and now I've finally got one. Trouble is, I live in it."


Tabloid, 8-180, "In just 30, 40 minutes, this guy's assistants called every area code in the Northern Hemisphere." "We're looking at a Staten Island divorce -- wam, bam, no muss, no fuss." "Great. Motive and evidence straight from the tabloids... How about means and opportunity? Getting that from the comic books?"

Tabula Rasa, 9-200, (Note: NBC calls Empire the 200th episode, but they are not counting the CBS pilot which was shown by NBC as episode 1-006 )

Teenage Wasteland, 11-241, "If we're lucky, we'll be able to strap him to a gurney before he's 21. God have mercy on our souls."

Terminal, 7-157, "I would have worn my red silk,but it's in the wash." "I'm doing criminal justice, I'm not doing politics." "The courts have the big stick. We just have to convince them to swing it." "If you turn the penal law into pretzels." "If you want to do this, you're still welcome to my scotch."

Thin Ice, 11-237,

3 Dawg Night, 12-262,

Thrill, 8-158,

Torrents of Greed I, 1-015, "There is no fire like passion, there is no shark like hatred, there is no snare like folly, there is no torrent like greed." "Go figure - this is New York!" " I don't photograph well with egg on my face, how about you?" "I forgot, the mafia doesn't exist." "That's the beauty of conspiracy, the left hand can get the right hand in a whole lot of trouble." 

Torrents of Greed II, 1-016, "I live for assignments like this - makes me hotter than a firecracker." "Down to the last drop - barks when it's hungry." "Holster it, cowboy, leather bores me." "Hey, pardon me if I think you're full of it!" "Justice is blind, nobody ever said it was fair." "We'd be real upset if something happened to a piece of crap like you." 

Trade This, 10-221, "Crazy doesn't mean stupid -- my ex-wife's living proof!" "A benevolent broker -- where were these people in '87?" "Crime victims my elbow."

Tragedy on Rye, 13-281, "For six grand it ought to make coffee and do the dishes." "Larry, Moe, and Curly makes three." "She [the horse] is gray. I always bet the gray." "You just got scratched, my friend." "The only thing my cousin ever gave me was the mumps." "This is your lawyer, Einstein." "Did I wake up on the wrong side of the looking glass this morning?" "The only thing we don't have is a bus full of nuns as eyewitnesses." "How often is someone killed for a television set?"

Trophy, 6-123, "So we look for vampires and members of the clergy."

Troubles, The, 1-020, "Looks like your *entrepeneur* just went into Chapter 11." "You're both Libras - that's destiny for you." "How could anyone eat something that could even GET to smell like that?" "Looks like a break-dancing chicken wrote this!" "He's in culture shock." "Don't laugh. The *G* has Elvis in Terminal Island, California." "Oh, a miracle. You see, once I saw the coroner wrote, 'Crushed larynx, DOA, dead as a doornail,' I was convinced!"

True Crime, 13-280, "Since when does freedom of the press only apply to the nattering nabobs of negativism?" "I believe on a good day he couldn't find his ass with both hands." "There you go, pass the buck to the public." "It was his first day on the job. He wasn't expecting visitors." "Five tons of garbage will do that." "Is this rehab or the Four Seasons?" "She gets more hate mail than I get fan mail." "Time flies when you're dancing on the clouds." "I guess forensics missed that CD."

True North, 9-190,

Trust, 2-037, "Are we supposed to be surprised everytime someone lies to us?" "Send him home with a hug and a lollipop?" "I hate pidgeons. They're rats with wings." "Nobody's responsible anymore. You kill someone, it's not your fault. You're addicted to sugar, or it's the wrong medication, and they should pay you a million dollars for YOUR pain and suffering."

Turnaround, 7-150, (see Judgment in L.A. trilogy)

Turnstile Justice, 11-231, "File a charge for felony bad taste: wearing white after Labor Day." "On your feet, pal. Your coverage doesn't provide for a second opinion."


Under God, 13-289,

Under the Influence, 8-168,

Undercovered, 12-265,

Untitled, 10-225, "Can't you see the little picture for a change?" "Look Ma, no hands." "The painting made me do it."


Vaya Con Dios, 10-229,

Vendetta, 14-322,

Vengeance, 2-038, "A wing and a prayer - silly putty doesn't stretch that far!" "There's nothing so powerful as the unspoken."

Venom, 9-188, "Charming as she is, she's full of it!"

Veteran's Day, 14-316,

Violence of Summer, The, 1-014, "Remind me never to eat at your house." "Can we please hold this down to a dull headstomp?" "I'm thinking of puking to improve the smell."

Virtue, 5-096, "What do we do? Get Madam LaZonga to perform a seance?" "So he's a pig, he belongs in a sty."

Virus, 3-063, "The next time he calls will you tell him to say 'hi' to Elvis?" "The crying towels are in the closet down the hall." "Rock 'n' Roll gives me a headache, doesn't mean I was part of a conspiracy to kill John Lennon." "With a leap like that they'll put you in a Nike commercial."

Volunteers, 4-068, "Your turn to sort the laundry." "So who says clothes make the man?" "Oh right, the miracle cure. I read about it at the checkout stand." There's a long road between coherence and competence."


Wager, 4-084, "I don't mind coming downtown on a train if I'm going uptown in a taxi." "Some people have an annoying ability to remain ignorant." "What have you been sprinkling on your breakfast cereal?"

Wages of Love, The, 2-024, "Six slugs - talk about coitus interruptus!" "It's called plea bargaining, not plea scalping!" "If your customer comes in again call Geraldo - he's dead!" "Pride goeth before a fall - I'll send you flowers in the intensive care unit." "Or, maybe they got up after the lasagna, cabbed it to 73rd Street, and whacked the happy couple together!" "C'mon Mike. He's angry enough to shoot her, but not angry enough to shoot her first?" "His own gun? I love this. So he killed the girl, killed himself, and then threw the gun out the window?" "I get it, she wasn't there. And if she was there, she didn't kill him. And if she did kill him, she didn't mean to. And if she did mean to, it's because she was upset." "I'll give you 5 to 1. All you're gonna get is eyestrain. And all the detectives are gonna get is sore feet. And you're gonna end up exactly where you started, wife shoots husband in bed with lover. Take a deal." "You're splitting legal hairs." "That's beautiful. A defense attorney as a witness." "I've never done anything this potentially STUPID before."

Wannabe, 5-104, "Maybe you'd like to check your files before you trip and hurt yourself." "I've got you for conspiracy, and if I eat my Wheaties I can get you for second-degree murder." "The way these people keep secrets, they ough to be giving lessons to the CIA."  "He probably brought some of Mom's corned beef and cabbage to the school tea party." "My cat coughs up sweeter smelling goop than this search warrant."

Wedded Bliss, 3-049, "Who said, 'Accidents of probabilities are the future possibilities'? Was it Einstein?"

We Like Mike, 7-154, "How perfect is this? Cops talking to a doughnut guy!" "Hey, this is New York. Everybody looks scary." "Doctor, that man with the cucumber problem is back." "Never trust lawyers, man." "In the homicide business, that's like finding the Holy Grail." "You shot him because he wouldn't give you his watch? The DA'll like that." "He promised his fiancé a trip to Hawaii. I think he took one look at Sherman and saw two tickets to Maui." "I'll call the first thousand Ricky Garcia's in the phone book, and you call the second thousand." "Nice to know the entire criminal justice system rises and falls on the decency of a Mike Bodack."

Wheel, The, 13-286, "It's post time in Ireland." "What are the odds an elf will pop out of my desk and spit cider in my ear?"

Who Let the Dog Out?, 12-254,

Whiplash, 11-248,

White Lie, 11-247,

White Rabbit, 5-093, "Where were you in the '60s? Touring with Strawberry Alarm Clock?" "She'll be out in 2003. Maybe the 60's will be over by then."

Whose Monkey Is It Anyway?, 11-239,

Working Mom, 7-148, "What's next? Camp Fire Girls selling crack?" "I'm feeling charitable. I'm going to give you a Mulligan. But if your next shot isn't on the fairway you're going to jail!"  "Take off the testosterone patch, Miss Ross. You're thinking under the influence."

Working Stiff, The, 2-044, "This guy had more degrees than a thermometer."  "This guy bought up companies like I buy six-packs." "And if it's not too much trouble, take Robin Hood here with you."

Dick Wolf quoted by Bill Carter, "Stars Come and Go, but Law & Order Just Gets Stronger," New York Times, February 19, 1997.